well.

its been almost two years.  shocked, awed, bruised, and beaten;  it has been nothing short of  (extra)oridinary.

there is definitely something in the air tonight and although i still feel frozen in my assumed position at the bottom of my conscious,  i cant help but genuinely admit for the first time in 10 months that i might be close to  back to where i launched from.  i feel like the means to the end im chasing is like a like a trampoline and the higher you can jump the better your life will be. the more times you jump the higher you go.

somethingis (about) to happen. i think im about to touch the ground again for that brief second before my (next jump).

(you) can’t escape the past and wether im in LA, or Barcenlona, or Canada , or the Sudan;  i still wont be whole.

im addicted to the warm climate and the progressive nature of a place that is the hub of successful creativity to the point that it pours out of store fronts and is etched in gold on the sidewalks and ive learned more in the past two years than i ever could in a lifetime anywhere else.

but at the same time,   ive  met more people in the past two years that i didn’t like  than people i did.

i dont think thats LA’s fault though. there’s 9.5 million people here. there (is) every “scene” you can imagine. every kind of lifestyle exists here. i just ballzed up and jumped head first into a beast and learned as i went.

well here we are march 2009,  i have never felt more torn between two polar opposite mentalities.

the specifics and proper names of the contradiction itself are almost unimportant now as its been so long ago that it started and its affect is so intense that its somehow paralizing and ive become unable to ignore it any longer.

(then again, maybe the world isnt so complicated and i just smoke too much. …nope. i dont smoke enough!)

i  don’t know what the fuck happened this year but something isnt there that used to be.  im getting almost everything i wanted and yet i cant seem to rejoice. how is this possible? what has been lost?

i  know i need to find it again and quick  and i wont find it while im on the battlefield  that is Hollywood. you cant think of anything else here. its about chasing your goals till it kills you.  as much compromise as it takes, its about being able to one day be “free”. Free from the man, free from bosses, free from schedules, free from social restrictions, free from worry and only obligated to this self empowered idea that all you have to do is create.

consumption becomes a bother and its only purpose to keep you alive. this is how you stop being a part of line and become the dot at the end instead.  although it takes a beyond average work ethic and even more luck to actually “become the dot”, everyone experiences it for brief moments.

for those of us without wealth, without a soul-mate, and without otherwise natural highs that average people derive their daily satisfaction from often must turn to substance abuse to catch those glimpses of the world at rest.

food, drugs, booze, chocolate, sex,  whatever the case may be is not a sustainable source for permanent bliss. these are only ok as joyful recreation or for those already at the dot or too young to be faced with such a dilema.

the scariest thing i’ve ever realized is this:  i can no longer find the dot.

California has my heart, but she’s just gonna have to wait for me.

its like the Realword Season 10, “Back to New York” .  where better to start than from the begininng?

robotscantdie and teddyrevolution are about to come face to face for first time, thier inevitable absorbtion of eachother is the only way to the dot.  i dont want to know whats going to happen, but at least i now know the first step…

next stop: steel city

omg, the east coast doesn’t have medical marijuana.  fuck. this is gonna be a long vacation…